Winter Dreams
by Brown Eyes Parker
Summary: Before she saw things that changed her, Melinda May would dream of first Christmases and houses drenched in white lights and glittering snow while she decorated a tree with a faceless man and Bing Crosby playing on a CD player and wish lists stuck to the refrigerator. It was one of her greatest wishes. Rated T. AU. Philinda.


**Christmas: Winter Dreams**

**A Coulson & May Story**

**By Brown Eyes Parker**

**Author's Note: So, I guess it's my turn to post a "Christmas kiss". There isn't exactly any kissing in this story, so I don't know if it counts or not. . . the title is from Kelly Clarkson's song, "Winter Dreams (Brandon's Song)".**

**Rated: T**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, except for the Kelly Clarkson Christmas CD **_**Wrapped in Red**_**.**

**.**

_Don't wake me please from this winter dream. . ._

**Winter Dream (Brandon's Song), Kelly Clarkson_**

Before she saw things that changed her, Melinda May would dream of first Christmases and houses drenched in white lights and glittering snow while she decorated a tree with a faceless man and Bing Crosby playing on a CD player and wish lists stuck to the refrigerator. It was one of her greatest wishes. Something she didn't dare ask Santa for when she wrote him letters written in glittery red gel pen.

Then real life happened, she became a member of SHIELD and the things she had done. . . the things she had seen quickly became nightmares that replaced her winter dreams. She wasn't herself anymore and there wasn't anything anybody could do to bring her back.

Coulson did everything he could to help her. Giving her half-versions of the things she had wanted as a younger, more naive woman. But something inside her had broken and she couldn't be repaired. Not with ornaments and gifts wrapped in shiny paper and _Jingle Bells_ or Christmas specials. He put in his most valiant effort to help her but it was useless. Eventually, he found somebody who was still at peace and he made a life with her. He still included May in Christmas dinner invitations, he still tucked a present in her desk but it wasn't the same.

Until it changed even more.

The Christmas after Coulson had been killed, she felt even more lost than she had with him there. There wasn't an invitation to Christmas dinner, Audrey had only liked her for Coulson's sake and there wasn't a Hallmark card with a cheerful greeting on it or a gift with her name scrawled on it in black Sharpie. All she had was endless amounts of black coffee and _It's a Wonderful Life _on loop on AMC.

She watched it mindlessly over and over again; it wasn't until the last showing that it actually spoke to her. It was one of the final scenes, the part where Jimmy Stewart said_ I want to live again _like a prayer. Something inside of her broke again and she was in tears by the time the movie was over.

For the first time in forever, she had winter dreams again. She dreamed of houses drenched in white lights and glittering snow and first Christmases. She dreamed of decorating the tree with Coulson and presents underneath the tree, of Bing Crosby on the radio and pine scented candles and peppermint flavored hot chocolate.

She wished he could have been alive to see her transformation. She didn't even want to think that his death was what had brought the change about. The change had been a long time coming. Something told her that it had probably been one of his greatest wishes for her.

**.**

Suddenly, he was back from the dead. But they didn't have time to celebrate Christmas; they had a universe to put back together. There wasn't time for decorations and carols, they traded presents in secret. Small things that only meant something to them.

May dreamed harder than ever of what their future could look like if they survived. In her mind, it only made sense if they ended up together in a picture perfect Christmas card house, with the rest of team and their families visiting. She dreamed of kids running around, sort of like surrogate grandchildren and watching _It's A Wonderful Life _with Coulson. . . and telling him that George Bailey had changed her for the better. She dreamed of red-and-white striped ribbons and last minute gift-shopping and gingerbread houses. Of a future where everything was okay again and Kisses wrapped in red and silver foil.

Visions of mistletoe kisses danced in her head even when she was awake.

But on the outside, she was still the same old May. Careful not to wear her heart on her sleeve, careful to keep her winter dreams inside of her.

"I think we need to celebrate Christmas this year," Coulson told her the second year they were battling Hydra. "We need to let them know that we aren't hopeless. That there is something to hang onto amid the despair and suffering. I know you don't particularly love celebrating Christmas but I would appreciate it if you would back me up on this. . ."

"I do though!" May answered. "I do now. Phil, I've changed. . . it happened after I thought you were gone."

She stopped, not knowing how to articulate what had happened to her.

Coulson smiled. "So, you'll help me then?"

"Of course! You know that I'm _always _going to help you no matter what!"

"While we're at it, we need to think of a way to get FitzSimmons back together," Coulson told her.

May nodded. "Let's make it happen."

**.**

A month later, they were in a cabin in the snowy mountains. It wasn't really like anything she had dreamed of but it was close enough, so she could ignore it. Nothing ever was exactly the way a person dreamed it anyways.

They left FitzSimmons watching _Polar Express_, saying they needed a break from the 'kids' as they pulled on their coats and Coulson got the keys to their rental SUV.

"It's been a while since we've been alone together," Coulson said as he started the car and pulled out of the driveway.

"We're still not alone alone," May answered, smiling. "I'm sure there will be plenty of coyotes to keep us company on our drive. And then there's always Bing Crosby to keep us company on the radio. Or is it Nat King Cole this time?"

Coulson grinned. "Your old sense of humor comes back at the strangest times."

May beamed. "I wasn't trying to be funny."

"I'm sure," Coulson replied, slipping a CD into the player. "And today, Frank Sinatra is the one keeping us company. I like to keep it interesting."

May smiled as a song about Christmas dreaming piped through the speakers. Her hand inched towards Coulson's; she waited a beat before placing her hand over his. For a breathless second, she thought it would go unreciprocated but her fears melted away when he turned his hand around and held it for the rest of the drive.

**.**

The house was drenched in white lights and glittering snow. It smelled like pine trees and freshly baked gingerbread men. Somewhere in the living room, Coulson was reading _the Night Before Christmas _to Bobbi and Lance's kids while FitzSimmons, Triplett and Skye were unwrapping ornaments, getting ready to decorate the Christmas tree.

Coulson looked over the book and smiled at her as he turned a page. May smiled back.

Her winter dreams were finally coming true.

**_The End_**

**.**

**Author's Note II:**

**That's all for now, I have a couple more stories in the Agents of SHIELD fandom. One of them is a FitzSimmons story and the other is Bobbi/Lance. Be on the lookout for those in the next couple of weeks, if you're interested. And as always, if you liked this, please take the time to leave a review and tell me what you thought.**

**Love,**

**Holly, 12/6/2014_**


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